Romantic Relationships Conducted As Business

An almost CC of what I text my bestie yesterday is about to be typed here. I wanted to preface it first by saying that I sought her opinion first because these are just one of many strange ideas we float to each other, often. But although I agree wholeheartedly with her opinion (it's favorable, indeed) of my idea, I also wanted to see what some of the rest of you thought. I'm actually thinking strongly of implementing this, and I want feedback from people who enjoy philosophizing and intellectualizing about these human ties we call relationships. BTW, from here on out when I refer to a "relationship" I am referring to the romantic type, unless otherwise qualified. Here we go:

"Serious question about relationships moving forward. I request your thoughts on conducting a hypothetical relationship in future as any other business. You have an interview to determine interest and compatibility, and possibly subsequent interviews to ask some pertinent questions that are definitely imperative that they be answered a certain way in order for your interest to be maintained. If you've gone this far then the both of you go away for a few days while background checks of sort are being done. Theoretically, you use this time to draft a relationship status offer. In this you honestly list what is unacceptable to you, what is a big deal but not a deal-breaker, and then a description of the status quo of dating you: these are things you can do to make me feel cherished, here are my hobbies and interests I want to maintain individually but here are some things I think it'd be cool if you tried with me (or joined me in). You basically assess yourself as only you know you are in a relationship, be upfront about your vices, include your needs vs. expectations. 

Then you (insert: ewww this sounds a bit like 50 Shades of Grey's contract) trade relationship CVs, set a date giving you both time to have read through and make notes if wanted, and you decide if you want to agree to these terms and treat it as a conditional contract. It's a lease you can break, not a house you have to sell. 

Questions? Comments? Clarifications? I don't care if you comment here but I'm going to post this on FB for a more open dialogue (I hope!)

On Grief, Forgiveness, and Those Who Run From It

The truth, and nothing but the truth: let the detractors prove otherwise.

A few months ago an unexpected life event happened to me. Protecting his privacy as much as possible, I lived with (in Seattle) and loved as much as I can love a lover, a man who decided to take his life this summer by texting a few people sans a suicide letter, drink a bottle of Jameson, and crash his car into a tree in a park he knew well, having  more less grown up in Ocean Shores, WA. I was devastated, just having traded texts with him a few weeks before. I knew his life was on a downward slope, but what could I do from Kansas? I had no couch to offer him from 3k miles away. I offered what I could from a distance. I'm sure there are tons of his friends regretting not offering more, as I do.
Last week was his birthday. It hit me fresh especially because his friend had told me just a few days before that Tim's family chose to hold a private and secret remembrance, barring his friends from attending. I can't understand this choice, but at least I know where my ex-boyfriend is buried, so next time I'm in WA I can pay my respects.

Anyway, all of this is really to say that years after we broke up, married other people, then divorced them, we talked it all out. We yelled and we cried, but in the end we forgave each other for our mistakes. Too many years we carried such malicious anger at each other, blaming the other for the demise of our end. He even blamed me for his divorce. It was just out of control.
After that we were able to talk on the phone, text, IM, plan to someday see each other again, and dare I say we were...friends?

So I can truly say that making amends before he died was one of my great decisions in life.

In the same vein, I know that with the lifestyle of my latest ex-fiance, Anthony, he won't be with us long; he may even end his own life. There are certainly plenty of signs that direct that. But I wanted so badly to make my peace with him before he goes. Against my pride, I sent him a nicely-worded text a couple of weeks ago basically saying that I would be next door to the dive bar he hangs out in, and maybe we could have a drink and bury the hatchet. He didn't answer, and going on Twitter a little while later I saw him post some rude stuff clearly directed at me, like he was glad he was out of town for the weekend. So I shelved it. He wasn't interested. What else could I do?
Well, I may have tried again before the year ended but surprisingly I got a text from him as I woke up a few days ago. I want to post the texts between us the past few nights I kept screenshotted. I would really like someone's opinion on how any of this conversation that he seemed 100% invested in, invited the remarks on his Twitter that I screenshotted (and added for your perusal) before he made his Tweets private? Then, giving up on this attitude that's par for the course for him, I again received a text from him in the middle of the night. I had taken screenshots as I said, so before bed I deleted the thread, so as far as I know there's nothing missing, and this turns out hopefully in the correct order, but...here you go. Then, more discussion after:

Sorry - I can't find the screenshot of where I told him about my Xmas - no biggie.

That last message of mine was sent immediately after following my gut instinct and getting on his Twitter. Sure enough, he was Tweeting when he was wasn't responding to me and trying to act (to me) as if he had just woken up from a nap. 

Then I texted him this meme I saw on FB before I went to bed. That's all. I could have blasted him right then and there, I could have called him and confronted the situation, but I was hurt and so tired of status quo. This has happened to us at least a dozen times this year. I tried, right?

So this is what I wake up to this morning. No huge surprise here, because, as you see by my response, this is how he usually responds. I'm about 75% sure I'll get a text saying he wasn't talking about me on Twitter and as usual I have it all wrong; that he turned off that personal phone after he text me, and used his work phone to tweet, and none of it is connected. 

So now the post-mortem. Here lies the reality: I was just discussing this "crazy bitch" label with my best friend last month. Why is it that we (women) are labeled "crazy" when our partners do something that sets off a chain reaction of (yes, unreasonable) behavior, and we are forever treated as the CB, no matter what, nothing will wash the stain off our reputations. Yes, I have done some CB things, mostly in response to catching a man I trusted lying to me or cheating on me, or in Anthony's case, showing up at my house drunk in the middle of the night and causing me to call the cops to get him away from me. But who went to jail? Me. The one who called for help. The drunk harasser got to run free and stick me with the ensuing bills. And because I went to jail for that mess, I'm the CB. What is Anthony? People shrink from passing judgment. "Well maybe he just wanted to talk..." Why does he get excused for his behavior before, during, and after that whole scene? Why is it he is the one who called me when I was in Jamaica and asked to move in with me and bought me an engagement ring, set a wedding date that was meaningful for him, and waited until I bought the dress and the accouterments to dump me for no given reason? I'm the one who was left cleaning up the mess he made, but I'm still the CB. And forever will be.

I wanted so badly to believe that all these months we've spent apart were good for him; made him deal with his alcoholism, his psychoses, his role in the death of us and how completely unnecessary it was. I really wanted to sit down with him and hash things out again or NOT, and just say "you have hurt me unbelievably. I deal with this pain every single day. I still can't have a relationship with someone because I am healing from the blow you gave me." I wanted to tell him all of this and allow him time to point his frustrations at me if he has them, whatever he wanted to say just get it off his chest, and then for us both to say "I forgive you." And walk away with clean consciences. So that when I think of him from now on I don't immediately feel my body tighten in anger. When I hear he has drank and eaten himself, or drugged himself to death, then I could stand graveside and feel this lightness in my heart I feel for Tim and everyone else who I have lost whom I know I made peace with before they were gone.

I don't know how to grieve someone who won't let you grieve them.

NEVER LET ME GO - an introduction

In turn-of-the-century rural Kansas, writer-journalist Eva Anthony experiences the lasting resonance of a blooming first love. Its tragic consequences will haunt her throughout marriage, parenthood, career, and moving to Ireland. In this haunting pastoral romance, the trials of love and loss weave together in a touching lesson on the danger of temptation, and the power of forgiveness.

Purchase NEVER LET ME GO from Amazon.com!